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Leave the world a better place...

"They died."

I heard the words on the other side of the phone but they didn't make sense.  I'm finally at my car as I try to rush out of the office to pick up the baby... late.. as usual..

"They what?!," I exclaimed.

"They died.. they're dead."

I suddenly was gasping for air and my stomach was turning, my throat was in knots, my mind was racing, and I felt a stabbing pain in my heart.

I found my voice through the tears - "What?! No no no no no no no they're not dead!! they didn't die! no no no no no! they didn't die! Nooooo they're not dead. They can't die. No no no no no!"

"yes, they died" he says through tears of his own

"NO! how?!" suddenly trying to rationalize

"There was an accident. They were driving to work together.." he trailed off

"No no no no no.. "

I suddenly realize that I'm making this harder for him.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. They can't die. No no no .. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" I continue like this for a while, repeating nonsensical statements of denial, shock, and intense sympathy.

My husband is in Peru and I don't know how to reach through the phone to hold him, to tell him it's going to be OK. I myself am not even sure that would be true at this point. They were his brothers and in my head I am irrationally trying to find ways to bring them back or prove this was all just a mistake.

I suddenly realize I am even more late to pick up Mia than I was when I walked out the door. I tell him I need to go get our daughter and that I need to call him later. We say our goodbyes, I tell him I love him, I remind him I am so sorry and that I'm here for him. I hang up the phone realizing I better get it together quick because I can't let my daughter see me like this.

I'm suddenly overwhelmed and I scream "whyyyyyyyyy" and punch my steering wheel several times. My face is covered in tears, I have snot running down my nose, and I'm gasping for air through the sobbing.

I dry my tears and clean my face. I drive to daycare and I can't stop thinking about them, how they meant the world to my husband, I thought about their kids, their families, and the last time I saw them. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair.

I picked up my daughter and put on a strong face, we played, I smiled, I held her tight, I maintained as much normalcy as possible so she wouldn't be alarmed... But at night, when the lights were off and she was asleep I would sob myself to sleep... knowing that the last time I saw them, I didn't know was going to be the last time.

That realization changed me forever. It really hit the point home that life is fleeting and I had been wasting it. I began making decisions and choices with this newly found awareness that every time could truly be the last time. That spending time with the people that matter most, doing the things that feed your soul, and playing your part in changing the world is how I wanted to spend every last day of my life.

This was how InspireMia finally came to be. After several years of being a thought and a dream in my mind, I finally realized there is never a wrong time to choose to live the life you've imagined for yourself. There will come a last time; and when that time comes, you only live on if you leave the world a better place.

thatrealizationchangedmeforever

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